Today, in this very early morning I thought of you as I run water on my car and wiped it with that unused blue car wiper. I remembered you as the water and the rug slowly erased the hearts drawn by the neighborhood kids on my cars back shield. I cannot count the number of strategies and tactics I have done to try and forget you. I won’t forget you, I realized. Unless I bump my head on something that will cause me some form of amnesia, my memories will be intact.
We both have grown. We both have grown apart. And I have moved on from the wishful thinking and the hurt.
In all these, I realized I was fighting in my own hunger games. And yes, at this point, I consider myself the winner in my own arena. After all the years of tremendous pain I had to go through, the heartaches, the wishful thinking, the planning of how to forget the hurt, the executing of the plan, the continues journey of embracing the woman that I am — I have grown and matured. Pain truly makes a person.
The change that happened. From 180 lbs in June 2014 when I started my healthy weight loss Journey, I am now down to 127 lbs (as of Nov 30, 2015). Photos of me in April 2014 and Nov 2015.
I am no longer the woman who begged and cried. I am no longer the fat, obese, shy woman who considers herself unattractive and unworthy. I am no longer that woman who craved and hungered for love and attention as if those combo is the end-all-be-all of her existence. I am no longer that woman who smiled and laugh when people bullies her about her looks while hurting deep down inside and pretending on the outside that it wasn’t affecting her.
I changed. I become confident and matured in the way I look at the events and people in my life. I stopped crying. I stopped thinking about the what-ifs. I have grown. I become physically fit, healthy, and emotionally secured. I am loving the present. I look forward to the future.
Looking back, I realized that I wouldn’t have become the woman that I am now if you didn’t leave me. I realized that I would have not loved myself and took care of myself if I didn’t lose you. I wouldn’t have found my confidence and my self-worth if you stayed. Thank you for leaving me.
A new life has become. I emerged the woman that I am today: stronger and more confident. Loving myself is no longer an option but a must in my continuing journey.
The sun shines again. The rain feels cool on my skin. And the stars look like tiny, beautiful, hanging jewels once more.
What a journey it has been!